This rose symbolizes how I feel about you, how I feel about us.
The long stem represents the friendship we have. We've been friends for a pretty long time. We know each other well. That's one of the best things I like about you. At the same time, apparently, this is one of the things that prevents us from going anywhere. I know you don't feel anything for me, possibly because we already know each other so well. At the same time, I feel that the best relationships start from friendship.
The thorns represent my imperfection. I'm far from perfect. I have my flaws. At the same time, it's these very flaws that make me the person I am. Cut away the thorns, and while you may have a perfect rose, it is not a complete rose. Because there are thorns, you'll have to handle this rose with care if you choose to do anything with it. And admittedly, sometimes the thorns will prick you.
The rose bud represents the two choices that lie before you. You can choose to let the rose bloom, and explore the possibilities. Or you can hang the rose out to dry.
If you hang it out to dry, the rose will always be with you. But it will be brittle shadow of it's true self. You'll look at the rose and maybe you will wonder what it would have looked like if it had fully bloomed. And yet, maybe this is the safer choice. You'll always have the rose that could have been.
If you let the rose bloom, you won't be able to dry it out nicely. It will bloom in all its beauty, and eventually the petals will turn dark and fall. I don't promise it will last forever. I can't. The most I can promise is that if you choose to let it bloom, I will be with you helping the rose bloom.
I tell you this as a matter of fact. I do not seek sympathy, nor do I ask you for more than you're willing to give. I like you very much, both as a friend and a potential lover, and that means I want what's best for you. I think we can be happy together, but if you decide that you will be happiest with someone else, I will fully support that decision as your friend.
I give you the rose, but what you do with the rose is up to you.
Sunday, October 13, 2002
Tuesday, October 01, 2002
Friendship: A Blessing and A Curse
So if you've been reading my diary so far, you'll know that I like a girl whoe also happens to be one of my very good friends. Oh wait, you mean that part isn't in my diary? Anyway, now you know, so stop interrupting me...
As I was saying, I like her.
It's turning out to be both a blessing and a curse that she's a good friend. On one hand, I enjoy certain privilieges of being a good friend. For example, after she turned me down (I do hate the word "rejected"), she asked how I felt and she was concerned about me. See, that's something that most guys don't have the luxury of experiencing because most guys will fall for for some random chick they just met. And of course that random chick doesn't even bother to give them the time of the day, let alone care about how they feel.
On the other hand, this friendhip-attraction bipolarity is creating some very interesting internal conflict within me. And I use the term "interesting" in the most sarcastic context.
When she goes out with another guy, the friend in me is genuinely interested to know how the date went. I wish she would find someone who makes her happy, and start a life with him. And yet, the potential suitor in me feels envious, and I wish that I were that guy. Naturally, I feel even worse if she had a good date. And at the same time, I feel happy for her.
I don't know what to do. This is killing me.
As I was saying, I like her.
It's turning out to be both a blessing and a curse that she's a good friend. On one hand, I enjoy certain privilieges of being a good friend. For example, after she turned me down (I do hate the word "rejected"), she asked how I felt and she was concerned about me. See, that's something that most guys don't have the luxury of experiencing because most guys will fall for for some random chick they just met. And of course that random chick doesn't even bother to give them the time of the day, let alone care about how they feel.
On the other hand, this friendhip-attraction bipolarity is creating some very interesting internal conflict within me. And I use the term "interesting" in the most sarcastic context.
When she goes out with another guy, the friend in me is genuinely interested to know how the date went. I wish she would find someone who makes her happy, and start a life with him. And yet, the potential suitor in me feels envious, and I wish that I were that guy. Naturally, I feel even worse if she had a good date. And at the same time, I feel happy for her.
I don't know what to do. This is killing me.
Sunday, September 29, 2002
Phone call out of the blue
I just got a YM message from someone I haven't seen in years.
1250> Andrea: hey you there?
1551> dlau1973: Yep, I'm here now... long time no see...
1551> dlau1973: But I guess you're offline now...
So I called her, curious about what's up. She just about never messages me. And like I said, I haven't seen her for years, and I haven't talked to her for almost as long.
The phone call goes something like this:
Me: Hi Andrea!
Her: Who's this?
Me: It's Derek.
Her: Oh hi! You know what, I'm just stepping out the door to send my parents to the airport.
Me: Oh, I'll talk to you later then.
Her: Oh I just wanted to tell you that I'm getting married.
Me: CONGRATULATIONS!
...etc...
Out of the blue, a ray of sunlight. She always wondered why guys never seemed to like her, and the ones that did, well, they seemed like losers in one way or another. In fact, just 3 months ago, she was lamenting why guys never found her attractive. Personally, I think she's very pretty and intelligent. But you can't argue with someone's self image.
Anyway, now all that is over. She's getting married. And I'm really happy for her. Congrats Andrea! Here's wishing you every happiness in the world.
It's funny. Andrea lived in California for a few years, but we were never really talked much. It's only towards the end of her stay here, just before she was leaving for Canada, that we started talking more, and we started to get to know each other more.
And then she left.
Andrea left California to find a better life for herself. And guess what? It sure looks like she found it! Way to go girl!
1250> Andrea: hey you there?
1551> dlau1973: Yep, I'm here now... long time no see...
1551> dlau1973: But I guess you're offline now...
So I called her, curious about what's up. She just about never messages me. And like I said, I haven't seen her for years, and I haven't talked to her for almost as long.
The phone call goes something like this:
Me: Hi Andrea!
Her: Who's this?
Me: It's Derek.
Her: Oh hi! You know what, I'm just stepping out the door to send my parents to the airport.
Me: Oh, I'll talk to you later then.
Her: Oh I just wanted to tell you that I'm getting married.
Me: CONGRATULATIONS!
...etc...
Out of the blue, a ray of sunlight. She always wondered why guys never seemed to like her, and the ones that did, well, they seemed like losers in one way or another. In fact, just 3 months ago, she was lamenting why guys never found her attractive. Personally, I think she's very pretty and intelligent. But you can't argue with someone's self image.
Anyway, now all that is over. She's getting married. And I'm really happy for her. Congrats Andrea! Here's wishing you every happiness in the world.
It's funny. Andrea lived in California for a few years, but we were never really talked much. It's only towards the end of her stay here, just before she was leaving for Canada, that we started talking more, and we started to get to know each other more.
And then she left.
Andrea left California to find a better life for herself. And guess what? It sure looks like she found it! Way to go girl!
Saturday, September 28, 2002
More ramblings and self doubt
Why is it so hard to find someone in the great big world?
It seems like you can find someone whom you like, or you can find someone who likes you, but they're never quite the same person. What's up with that? Is it so hard to find someone where the attraction is mutual?
Or is that the problem? Attraction. Do we rely too much initial attraction to determine the other person's fit to be a soul mate. Why is it hard for a friend to date another friend? I would love that my soul mate be someone who knows me for who I am, a friend. Why is that too much to ask for? Why do people say "Oh, we've been friends for too long, it won't work out".
Shouldn't it be the other way around? Oh, we barely know each other, it won't work out. Now that sounds more logical, doesn't it? Or is that the problem? Logic. Fact and reason has no place in an arena dominated by emotions and feelings.
Maybe I'm just thinking too much. Maybe I should live for the moment, go with the flow and see what happens. But I can't help thinking that if I don't control where I float to, maybe I'll end up nowhere. Or maybe it's because I'm trying to control my life that my life is going nowhere. Or is it only that my life SEEMS to be going nowhere? Am I missing the bigger picture here?
I should be getting my green card in a few months. With a little luck, that green card would make a wonderful Christmas or Valentine's day. Well, that will be really nice because I'll probably be spending another lonesome X'mas...
Yes, I am all that optimistic.
It seems like you can find someone whom you like, or you can find someone who likes you, but they're never quite the same person. What's up with that? Is it so hard to find someone where the attraction is mutual?
Or is that the problem? Attraction. Do we rely too much initial attraction to determine the other person's fit to be a soul mate. Why is it hard for a friend to date another friend? I would love that my soul mate be someone who knows me for who I am, a friend. Why is that too much to ask for? Why do people say "Oh, we've been friends for too long, it won't work out".
Shouldn't it be the other way around? Oh, we barely know each other, it won't work out. Now that sounds more logical, doesn't it? Or is that the problem? Logic. Fact and reason has no place in an arena dominated by emotions and feelings.
Maybe I'm just thinking too much. Maybe I should live for the moment, go with the flow and see what happens. But I can't help thinking that if I don't control where I float to, maybe I'll end up nowhere. Or maybe it's because I'm trying to control my life that my life is going nowhere. Or is it only that my life SEEMS to be going nowhere? Am I missing the bigger picture here?
I should be getting my green card in a few months. With a little luck, that green card would make a wonderful Christmas or Valentine's day. Well, that will be really nice because I'll probably be spending another lonesome X'mas...
Yes, I am all that optimistic.
A Rejection: The Aftermath
NOTE: The names have been changed to protect the innocent and
not-so-innocent...
2036> Me: Hey... remember I told you that I re-liked Jane?
2036> My Friend: yep...how was the date?
2036> Me: Down in flames. :(
2036> My Friend: what happened?
2036> Me: She basically said not interested lor.
2037> Me: Not in those exact words but the meaning was clear enough
2037> Me: Me saaaaaaaad
2037> My Friend: aiyah...who asked u to go tell her. already said, just go out...enjoy the date etc.
2038> Me: She asked me point blank
2038> My Friend: now, u've most prob killed chances of her being comfy with u for the time being
2038> My Friend: she asked you? just like that?
2038> My Friend: wow.
2038> My Friend: smart woman.
2038> Me: I know. I dig smart chicks. :P
2038> My Friend: i like her already. she's not gay, is she? *sigh*...i could fancy a woman like that!
2039> Me: Hey, hands off. I have enough problems with girls that I don't need another girl in the picture
2039> Me: So... the story ends in tears and heartache. :)
2040> Me: Well, not quite tears but the heartache is always there no matter how many times this kinda shit happens.
2040> My Friend: well..heartache maybe, but i think u're still a bit stingy on the tears...
2040> My Friend: heheh...i knew it! :P
2040> Me: :)
2040> My Friend: see, i know u so well, baby!
2040> Me: Yeah... but the heartache is real alright.
2040> My Friend: of coz will be ouch lah. haiyah, u were too obvious issit?
2041> Me: Dunno lah... Jane has alwasy known me pretty well
2041> Me: She told me she started suspecting weeks ago
2041> My Friend: hmmm...ok
2041> Me: She told me her mum first brought it to her attention
2042> My Friend: well, now that u know, also good...dun need to go thru that 'does she, doesn't she' shit. u just lookk for new victims
2043> Me: I guess so. I'll just need a few years to get over the heartache. :)
2043> Me: You know, I keep trying to tell myself it doesn't matter, but it really does.
2043> My Friend: Wei.... it will take time lah.
2044> My Friend: My crystal ball says...you're gonna meet someone next week.
2044> My Friend: she's.... dark haired, almond shaped eyes.... the rest...i can't see yet.
2044> Me: Oh really...
2044> My Friend: So...go out and look for the chick
2044> Me: LOL
2045> Me: And I wonder why I love you so much. :)
2045> My Friend: Awww...come on, I don't do readings for everyone you know!!!! :P
2046> Me: Heh heh... I owe you one then.
2046> My Friend: I think she's got this other irresistable quality...she's got a huge sparkling smile...
2046> My Friend: And her eyes glow when she looks at you.
2046> Me: Oh, that's scary.
2046> Me: Glowing eyes... red or yellow?
2046> My Friend: Yeah...sounds a bit eeerie...come to think of it, i wonder why she's smiling at u...
2046> My Friend: *shudder*
2047> Me: Hey, I thought this was gonna be a "feel good" reading?
2047> My Friend: Well...I can't control who you meet!
2047> Me: Sigh... if only
2048> My Friend: Hey... since you're not exactly busy, why not give it a shot... eyes glowing with happiness at seeing u...is that such a liability?
2048> My Friend: I'd be glad if my boyfriend's eyes lit up whenever he saw me...*mutter*
2048> Me: Oh come on... we've been over this a billion times. :)
2049> Me: Kenny just isn't the affectionate-always kinda guy.
2049> My Friend: Oh, but he can me...*Grin* SOMETIMES. *sigh* And when he is, he is soooooooOOOooo adorable! :)
2050> Me: I'm jealous now... I wish I had someone say that about it.
2050> Me: Backhanded compliment better than no compliment.
2050> Me: And definitely better than another blessed rejection.
2050> Me: Oh boy, I'm such a bundle of joy today!
2051> My Friend: Hahahaha.... u know me, stingy as hell when it comes to compliments. coz when i don't receive any.... i don't give any! :P
2052> Me: Ah well... back to where I started I guess. No gain, no loss.
2053> My Friend: hey, don't feel so bad okay?
2054> My Friend: I think u just have to move on like the brave soldier u've always been...*grin* *SEE..I CAN give compliments*
2054> Me: How not to feel bad? Every rejection hurts like hell even though I don't show it too much in public.
2054> Me: Heh heh... "brave" soldier?
2056> My Friend: Naturally, rejections will hurt, but u know it won't last. It will go away, but in the meanwhile, u've gotta focus on something else.
2057> My Friend: It's not going to be easy... but then, think of how much worse it could be..... u could get your heart spit on by someone real nasty.
2057> Me: Well, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
2058> My Friend: It WILL. Just have to go out and find that dark haired almond shaped eye chick... whose eyes glows when she sees you... ;)
2058> Me: Ha ha ha... and that will scare the shit outta me when those eyes start glowing
2059> Me: Then again, maybe I shouldn't take the rejection as a flat no.
2059> Me: Dunno lah...
2100> My Friend: *hugs*
2100> My Friend: Don't feel too bad okay?
2100> Me: Half of me just says it's a no, just leave it. The other half says if you don't do something more, it will never be a yes.
2100> My Friend: And please don't wallow. I know it's easier said than done... but u really gotta pull yourself. I think a part of u is lonely so u're kinda searching. and soit's even more disappointing..
2102> Me: Yeah well... I won't wallow too long. :)
2102> My Friend: (K) Take care dearie... I gotta go, I'm still rushing dissertation. Monday deadline, I'm still struggling to finish. It's 5am now...*sigh*
... AND SO THE STORY GOES ON ...
not-so-innocent...
2036> Me: Hey... remember I told you that I re-liked Jane?
2036> My Friend: yep...how was the date?
2036> Me: Down in flames. :(
2036> My Friend: what happened?
2036> Me: She basically said not interested lor.
2037> Me: Not in those exact words but the meaning was clear enough
2037> Me: Me saaaaaaaad
2037> My Friend: aiyah...who asked u to go tell her. already said, just go out...enjoy the date etc.
2038> Me: She asked me point blank
2038> My Friend: now, u've most prob killed chances of her being comfy with u for the time being
2038> My Friend: she asked you? just like that?
2038> My Friend: wow.
2038> My Friend: smart woman.
2038> Me: I know. I dig smart chicks. :P
2038> My Friend: i like her already. she's not gay, is she? *sigh*...i could fancy a woman like that!
2039> Me: Hey, hands off. I have enough problems with girls that I don't need another girl in the picture
2039> Me: So... the story ends in tears and heartache. :)
2040> Me: Well, not quite tears but the heartache is always there no matter how many times this kinda shit happens.
2040> My Friend: well..heartache maybe, but i think u're still a bit stingy on the tears...
2040> My Friend: heheh...i knew it! :P
2040> Me: :)
2040> My Friend: see, i know u so well, baby!
2040> Me: Yeah... but the heartache is real alright.
2040> My Friend: of coz will be ouch lah. haiyah, u were too obvious issit?
2041> Me: Dunno lah... Jane has alwasy known me pretty well
2041> Me: She told me she started suspecting weeks ago
2041> My Friend: hmmm...ok
2041> Me: She told me her mum first brought it to her attention
2042> My Friend: well, now that u know, also good...dun need to go thru that 'does she, doesn't she' shit. u just lookk for new victims
2043> Me: I guess so. I'll just need a few years to get over the heartache. :)
2043> Me: You know, I keep trying to tell myself it doesn't matter, but it really does.
2043> My Friend: Wei.... it will take time lah.
2044> My Friend: My crystal ball says...you're gonna meet someone next week.
2044> My Friend: she's.... dark haired, almond shaped eyes.... the rest...i can't see yet.
2044> Me: Oh really...
2044> My Friend: So...go out and look for the chick
2044> Me: LOL
2045> Me: And I wonder why I love you so much. :)
2045> My Friend: Awww...come on, I don't do readings for everyone you know!!!! :P
2046> Me: Heh heh... I owe you one then.
2046> My Friend: I think she's got this other irresistable quality...she's got a huge sparkling smile...
2046> My Friend: And her eyes glow when she looks at you.
2046> Me: Oh, that's scary.
2046> Me: Glowing eyes... red or yellow?
2046> My Friend: Yeah...sounds a bit eeerie...come to think of it, i wonder why she's smiling at u...
2046> My Friend: *shudder*
2047> Me: Hey, I thought this was gonna be a "feel good" reading?
2047> My Friend: Well...I can't control who you meet!
2047> Me: Sigh... if only
2048> My Friend: Hey... since you're not exactly busy, why not give it a shot... eyes glowing with happiness at seeing u...is that such a liability?
2048> My Friend: I'd be glad if my boyfriend's eyes lit up whenever he saw me...*mutter*
2048> Me: Oh come on... we've been over this a billion times. :)
2049> Me: Kenny just isn't the affectionate-always kinda guy.
2049> My Friend: Oh, but he can me...*Grin* SOMETIMES. *sigh* And when he is, he is soooooooOOOooo adorable! :)
2050> Me: I'm jealous now... I wish I had someone say that about it.
2050> Me: Backhanded compliment better than no compliment.
2050> Me: And definitely better than another blessed rejection.
2050> Me: Oh boy, I'm such a bundle of joy today!
2051> My Friend: Hahahaha.... u know me, stingy as hell when it comes to compliments. coz when i don't receive any.... i don't give any! :P
2052> Me: Ah well... back to where I started I guess. No gain, no loss.
2053> My Friend: hey, don't feel so bad okay?
2054> My Friend: I think u just have to move on like the brave soldier u've always been...*grin* *SEE..I CAN give compliments*
2054> Me: How not to feel bad? Every rejection hurts like hell even though I don't show it too much in public.
2054> Me: Heh heh... "brave" soldier?
2056> My Friend: Naturally, rejections will hurt, but u know it won't last. It will go away, but in the meanwhile, u've gotta focus on something else.
2057> My Friend: It's not going to be easy... but then, think of how much worse it could be..... u could get your heart spit on by someone real nasty.
2057> Me: Well, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
2058> My Friend: It WILL. Just have to go out and find that dark haired almond shaped eye chick... whose eyes glows when she sees you... ;)
2058> Me: Ha ha ha... and that will scare the shit outta me when those eyes start glowing
2059> Me: Then again, maybe I shouldn't take the rejection as a flat no.
2059> Me: Dunno lah...
2100> My Friend: *hugs*
2100> My Friend: Don't feel too bad okay?
2100> Me: Half of me just says it's a no, just leave it. The other half says if you don't do something more, it will never be a yes.
2100> My Friend: And please don't wallow. I know it's easier said than done... but u really gotta pull yourself. I think a part of u is lonely so u're kinda searching. and soit's even more disappointing..
2102> Me: Yeah well... I won't wallow too long. :)
2102> My Friend: (K) Take care dearie... I gotta go, I'm still rushing dissertation. Monday deadline, I'm still struggling to finish. It's 5am now...*sigh*
... AND SO THE STORY GOES ON ...
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