Doubts and Stuff

This is a summary of the last few weeks...

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MARCH 24

I've been thinking lately...

I want to focus more on building social circles around my life, and less on "women" per se. I have a kickass social circle right now, and I want to develop that more. Create more of an environment that enriches everyone.

On the other hand, I've also been much more painfully aware after my breakup with Anat that I really do want to find someone that I can spend time with. But I don't want to lower my standards. And then I think about how if I want a wonderful woman, I have to be the kind of man that she will want, and I start to wonder if I can measure up to those demands.

I recently had a super freakin' awesome interaction with a gorgeous intelligent lady who ended up spending most of the night with me. And then I wondered to myself... Why do I doubt?

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APRIL 21

Been a couple of weeks since the last post, and I'm still essentially wrestling with the same issues.

Been seeing that same lady from the last post. She's gorgeous, intelligent, has the same sense of humor I do, loves to be challenged, independent blah blah blah. She's simply awesome for the most part.

And that's the problem right there. She's awesome FOR THE MOST PART. The parts where she's short of being awesome are just eating at me. She's always super busy with something or other. She can be rather uncommunicative when she's not with me (ie phone, text, email etc). And worst of all, I don't know what she wants.

OK, that last one is a ding against me, not her. I should have asked. I've been afraid to ask, because I've been afraid of the answer. I'm still afraid of the answer, but I have made a resolution to bring it out into the open and talk about it. If nothing else, it will give me a sense of closure.

Well, that's assuming she actually gets back to me in some timely fashion. We're seeing each other on Friday, but I'm not sure I want to wait that long and have it simmer inside of me. Ugh.

GET A GRIP OF YOURSELF!!!!

On the other hand, it feels great to be crazy over some girl. :)

On to other matters... It's probably just an extension of the self-doubt I've been going through, but I found myself wondering this evening. I am great at creating connections and bring connection into other people's lives. Relationships flourish around me. But for some reason, I don't have that same connection that I seem to bring to others.

And I find myself wondering... What if that is my destiny in life? To always be the light that shines on others, but never to have that light shine on myself, except fleetingly. There's a certain noble resignation that comes with that thought. If I'm going to be alone in the dark, that's really not too bad a way to be.

I read a little thing tonight. The devil was making a bargain with this guy.
Guy: So what do you want in return for this miracle you're giving me? My soul?
Devil: Soul? Nothing so provincial. Do you know what happens to souls given to me in return for saving another? They suffer through eternity, but are buoyed up by the righteous martyrdom that they did it for the sake of someone else. Where is the joy in that?

So like I said, not a bad way to end up in the darkness, all other things considered. I could certainly do worse for myself.

Gosh, I'm sounding so despondent and dooooooown! Ah, go figure. I'm not feeling particularly chirpy tonight.

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APRIL 22

Actually this is more like part 2b since it's only been a few hours since part 2, but really, who's gonna quibble about little things like this...?

I spoke to the girl. We talked. I was freakin' nervous. I stammered and had to pause every now and then to take deep breaths. And the result?

We CONNECTED.

I told her what I wanted. I asked what she wanted. I accepted what she said but also took the time to look deeper. She told me why she was hesitant to get into a relationship. I embraced her fears and appreciated the effort she was committing to putting into the relationship.

Heck, I even read to her what I just wrote. She laughed and said she admired how I was so certain about what I wanted out of life.

I told her about Anat, and what it was like for me to embrace the relationship fully for several weeks even though we both knew there was no possibility of a futre. And I told her that was what I wanted. To follow this trail to its completion, and just fully live in the now. I think she kinda gets what I'm saying, but isn't fully convinced. But that's ok.

Sure, things could have gone better. She said some stuff that I didn't really want to hear. But I listened and (I think) I heard what she was really saying. I encouraged her to speak her mind, and told her that I would always honor whatever she said to me, even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear, even if it was something that upset me.

Overall, we spent a wonderful 70 minutes on the phone. I feel... at peace.

Six dollars

Today, I went for a walk to Union Square.

My Saturday walk has been a fixture in my weekend. Walk down the Embarcardero by the water, walk down Market Street, head towards Union Square, walk aimlessly around the shops, sit in the square and do "stuff" (read, suntan, daydream etc) and then walk home eventually. It is a good 3-4 mile walk at a leisurely pace.

Today was somewhat different. Today, I saw people playing chess in Union Square. Naturally, I gravitated there. I watched them play a few games. The guy who brought the chess board also had a little light jazz playing on a boom box. The chess and jazz created a very loungey atmosphere in Union Square, and I ended up spending most of my afternoon watching them play. I didn't play, I didn't speak to people. I just watched. And I was content to just watch because it was fairly obvious that even the strongest player (call him E) in that group wasn't really at my level.

And I kept watching until E looked over at me and said "You play?".
I nodded.
"You play for money?"
"Used to a long time ago"
"We're doing $3 a game here" and then he gestured towards an open seat.

Weeeeeeeell, I really didn't want to do this plus I only had $5 in my wallet which I intended to use to buy a milkshake later. Oh well, let's see if I'm really as good as I think I am. At stake - my milkshake!

I got white in the first game. It was an Alekhine defence. He played some weird moves in the opening, which soon resulted in him having a weak E pawn, which eventually led to him losing 2 pawns. The endgame was a simple affair.

I played the black side of a sicilian defence in game 2. Again, he played a weird variation in which he ended up losing the initiative almost right at the start. I won one pawn, then another, then sacked a knight to go into a Q+R+7p vs Q+R+K+3p endgame. Let's just say that having 4 connected passed center pawns is absolutely killer at almost any stage of the game.

So... after two games, I was $6 up. Yay for me. GO DEREK!!!!!