A Rejection: The Aftermath

NOTE: The names have been changed to protect the innocent and
not-so-innocent...
2036> Me: Hey... remember I told you that I re-liked Jane?
2036> My Friend: yep...how was the date?
2036> Me: Down in flames. :(
2036> My Friend: what happened?
2036> Me: She basically said not interested lor.
2037> Me: Not in those exact words but the meaning was clear enough
2037> Me: Me saaaaaaaad
2037> My Friend: aiyah...who asked u to go tell her. already said, just go out...enjoy the date etc.
2038> Me: She asked me point blank
2038> My Friend: now, u've most prob killed chances of her being comfy with u for the time being
2038> My Friend: she asked you? just like that?
2038> My Friend: wow.
2038> My Friend: smart woman.
2038> Me: I know. I dig smart chicks. :P
2038> My Friend: i like her already. she's not gay, is she? *sigh*...i could fancy a woman like that!
2039> Me: Hey, hands off. I have enough problems with girls that I don't need another girl in the picture
2039> Me: So... the story ends in tears and heartache. :)
2040> Me: Well, not quite tears but the heartache is always there no matter how many times this kinda shit happens.
2040> My Friend: well..heartache maybe, but i think u're still a bit stingy on the tears...
2040> My Friend: heheh...i knew it! :P
2040> Me: :)
2040> My Friend: see, i know u so well, baby!
2040> Me: Yeah... but the heartache is real alright.
2040> My Friend: of coz will be ouch lah. haiyah, u were too obvious issit?
2041> Me: Dunno lah... Jane has alwasy known me pretty well
2041> Me: She told me she started suspecting weeks ago
2041> My Friend: hmmm...ok
2041> Me: She told me her mum first brought it to her attention
2042> My Friend: well, now that u know, also good...dun need to go thru that 'does she, doesn't she' shit. u just lookk for new victims
2043> Me: I guess so. I'll just need a few years to get over the heartache. :)
2043> Me: You know, I keep trying to tell myself it doesn't matter, but it really does.
2043> My Friend: Wei.... it will take time lah.
2044> My Friend: My crystal ball says...you're gonna meet someone next week.
2044> My Friend: she's.... dark haired, almond shaped eyes.... the rest...i can't see yet.
2044> Me: Oh really...
2044> My Friend: So...go out and look for the chick
2044> Me: LOL
2045> Me: And I wonder why I love you so much. :)
2045> My Friend: Awww...come on, I don't do readings for everyone you know!!!! :P
2046> Me: Heh heh... I owe you one then.
2046> My Friend: I think she's got this other irresistable quality...she's got a huge sparkling smile...
2046> My Friend: And her eyes glow when she looks at you.
2046> Me: Oh, that's scary.
2046> Me: Glowing eyes... red or yellow?
2046> My Friend: Yeah...sounds a bit eeerie...come to think of it, i wonder why she's smiling at u...
2046> My Friend: *shudder*
2047> Me: Hey, I thought this was gonna be a "feel good" reading?
2047> My Friend: Well...I can't control who you meet!
2047> Me: Sigh... if only
2048> My Friend: Hey... since you're not exactly busy, why not give it a shot... eyes glowing with happiness at seeing u...is that such a liability?
2048> My Friend: I'd be glad if my boyfriend's eyes lit up whenever he saw me...*mutter*
2048> Me: Oh come on... we've been over this a billion times.  :)
2049> Me: Kenny just isn't the affectionate-always kinda guy.
2049> My Friend: Oh, but he can me...*Grin* SOMETIMES. *sigh* And when he is, he is soooooooOOOooo adorable! :)
2050> Me: I'm jealous now... I wish I had someone say that about it.
2050> Me: Backhanded compliment better than no compliment.
2050> Me: And definitely better than another blessed rejection.
2050> Me: Oh boy, I'm such a bundle of joy today!
2051> My Friend: Hahahaha.... u know me, stingy as hell when it comes to compliments. coz when i don't receive any.... i don't give any! :P
2052> Me: Ah well... back to where I started I guess. No gain, no loss.
2053> My Friend: hey, don't feel so bad okay?
2054> My Friend: I think u just have to move on like the brave soldier u've always been...*grin* *SEE..I CAN give compliments*
2054> Me: How not to feel bad? Every rejection hurts like hell even though I don't show it too much in public.
2054> Me: Heh heh... "brave" soldier?
2056> My Friend: Naturally, rejections will hurt, but u know it won't last. It will go away, but in the meanwhile, u've gotta focus on something else.
2057> My Friend: It's not going to be easy... but then, think of how much worse it could be..... u could get your heart spit on by someone real nasty.
2057> Me: Well, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
2058> My Friend: It WILL. Just have to go out and find that dark haired almond shaped eye chick... whose eyes glows when she sees you... ;)
2058> Me: Ha ha ha... and that will scare the shit outta me when those eyes start glowing
2059> Me: Then again, maybe I shouldn't take the rejection as a flat no.
2059> Me: Dunno lah...
2100> My Friend: *hugs*
2100> My Friend: Don't feel too bad okay?
2100> Me: Half of me just says it's a no, just leave it. The other half says if you don't do something more, it will never be a yes.
2100> My Friend: And please don't wallow. I know it's easier said than done... but u really gotta pull yourself. I think a part of u is lonely so u're kinda searching. and soit's even more disappointing..
2102> Me: Yeah well... I won't wallow too long. :)
2102> My Friend: (K) Take care dearie... I gotta go, I'm still rushing dissertation. Monday deadline, I'm still struggling to finish. It's 5am now...*sigh*

... AND SO THE STORY GOES ON ...

Ah Ma - Part 5 - Acceptance?

I was wrong.

Ah Ma didn't die on the 28th. That's only the day the doctor certified her as being medically and legally deceased.

I think Ah Ma died the day she couldn't open her eyes to see her children and grandchildren around her.

I think she died the day she couldn't hear our voices in her ear.

I think she died the day she couldn't feel us stroking her hand and kissing her face.

Maybe I'm just kidding myself. Maybe I never made it to Ah Ma before she died after all. But I can hope.

Ah Ma - Part 4 - Scattering the ashes

The ash scattering committee consisted of Dad, Mum, Joanne, Alwyn, Uncle Warren, Auntie Annie and myself. Chrissie had to work. We took a car ride to Port Klang, where we would commit Ah Ma's ashes to the seas. That was what she wanted. She didn't want her ashes to be put in a jar in some temple. She wanted to be be committed to the ocean.

The car ride was long and singularly uneventful (read that as boring).

When we got to Port Klang, it wasn't much to look at. Very crowded. Lots of people all around. Lots of hustle and bustle.

We eventually got some chinese guy to ferry us out a couple of hundred meters to a nice spot where we could scatter Ah Ma's ashes.When we got there, each of us took turns tossing a piece from the strange mixture that was part ashes part bone fragments. We would pick a piece, toss it into the water, and follow it with an orchid. Soon, the sea was awash in a flood of orchids.

I was very quiet the whole boat ride. It felt right that I should be quiet and solemn. This would be the last few minutes that I spent with Ah Ma on a physical level.

Ah Ma - Part 3a - One more thing...

I just remembered something.

As I walked past the coffin to pay my last respects to Ah Ma, just before the coffin was lowered into the fire, I pulled out a few strands of hair, and placed them on the coffin. That way, a little bit of me could be with Ah Ma as she left this world.

Ah Ma - Part 3 - Post-Death

Several events come to mind.

Putting on Ah Ma's shoes...

For whatever stupid reason, the guys who were handling the funeral didn't put on Ah Ma's shoes when they laid her in the coffin. So Auntie Annie and I had to open the coffin and do it. I would lift up Ah Ma's leg, and Annie would slowly squeeze the foot into the shoe. Ah Ma's feet were so cold, so stiff...

Pre-cremation...

The cremation itself was a simple, solemn affair. The coffin was laid out, flowers all around. Warren read a simple, short sermon for the dead. Annie gave a very moving (and thankfully very short) piece on Ah Ma's legacy to us. Alwyn tried to say a few words but frankly, I couldn't make head or tail of what he was saying. It would have helped if he wasn't breaking down into tears every 2 words. :)

The actual burning...

You could see the wood slowly turn from a bright red-brown into progressively darker and darker shades. Then it finally turned black. A few minutes later, outside in the crematorium's parking lot, I saw a black column of smoke rising into the skies. Looks like Ah Ma caught her flight to heaven.

I wonder when I actually finally accepted that Ah Ma was dead and that she was never coming back. Maybe it was when I finally saw her resting in her coffin.

Funny... I never wondered if Ah Ma would feel the flames... I guessnot.