Walls

Do you ever get the feeling that no matter how much you push and push,
the walls that surround you won't give in?

Inevitability.

That's what it's all about. The french say "c'est la vie".
Americans proclaim "shit happens". Axl Rose proclaimed
"welcome to the jungle".

The immovable object.

Frustration eats at you from the inside. It's a force of self-defeat.
Much like the serpent that swallows its own tail. Evil feeds on
itself. Frustration feeds on you, its ironic origin.

So now what?

You push and push and push...

...and nothing gives.

The shortest distance between two points is a straight line, right?
Wrong. It's a straight line only if that line can be traversed.

Don't push.

Many of the martial arts advocate circular movements. You don't meet
force with force. You absorb. You redirect. You avoid.

Go around the wall.

Fading taillights

Last night, as I watched you drive away in your Accord, I had a sudden flashback. A white Ford Probe disappearing into the distance, red taillights gleaming in the midnight darkness. Red taillights...

A word on the WTC tragedy

The WTC tragedy was definitely an eye opener for me. No, I didn't lose
anyone. Nobody I know was hurt or killed. In fact, it barely affected
my directly at all.

However, one point it did bring to my mind was the transient nature
of life.

Here I am complaining and whining because I broke up with my
girlfriend. Look around! Look at all the thousands who have just lost
their loved ones. I can always pick my butt off the ground and get a
new girlfriend (OK, easier said that done). But those who lost
friends and family, they will never be the same. You can't just find
another father or brother or mother or sister. You simply cannot
replace that kind of loss.

For those of you who lost friends and family, my heart is with you.
There's not much else I can do to ease your pain.

And for everyone, appreciate those around you. They won't be around
forever.

A word on breaking up

" ... it is what it is, it's not what it should have been, notwhat it could have been, it is what it is ... "- Anthony Kidman, Nicole's father, psychologist

My current inspiration and one more way to heal my pain.

Thoughts at 3am

It's almost 3am, and I'm sitting in front of my computer typing downwhat I'm feeling. No doubt,m I'm really tired and I wish I could goto sleep, but the memories keep flooding back in.

I just looked through some old photos, and they just triggered allsorts of thoughts, none of them happy., How am I going to continuewith life? How am I going to fill this void where 5 years of my lifeused to be?  How do I find happiness where all aroundme are memoriesof what used to be? I know, it's not what it used to be, or what itcould have been. It's what it is. But you know, it's so hard to letgo of the past. And its not like I'm not trying. I'm trying. But ithurts. It hurts so much.

I miss her terribly. She was my friend, She was my lover. She was apart of my life. And now she's gone. How do people cope with losslike that?

I've been in the States for 7 years. I've been with her for 5 ofthose years. Almost everything I['ve done here in the states, everyplace I've been, every sight I've seen. Everytyhing reminds me ofher. My car, my clothes, my bed, my office cibe., Even the leyboardI'm usiong to type this, and the chjair I am ssiting on right now.

I'm a fucking mess now. I can't focus on anything. I just want tokeep writing and keep writing how I feel. I need to get this out. Iwant to move on. I want to stop hurting. But I can't. I can't evensee the screen now. I don't know what I'm typing. I'm just rambluing.But I need to get this all out.

One day, I'll look back on this and I'll be glad that I decided tomake a break of things. BUt for now, I need to figure out hos to getpast this stage of my life. Damn, life was never this tough when Iwas younger. You had a broken heart, you frowned a little, and thenyou moved on. What happened along the way?

I'm so tired now. It's so hard to keep being positive when thebiggest motivation you had has just decided to vanish. Not that I'mangry at her. I could never be., Even throughout the breakup, throughall this pain, I've never wished her anything but happpiness in hernew relationship, That new guy, that lucky son of a bitch. I wishthem all the best. If anything could come out positively from thiswhole mess, it would be that she finds happiness outside from me.

My last words to her as her bouyfriuend were "OI hope you findsomeone else who can make you happier than I can". And I meantit. I still mean it, even though it's so hard. I could never hateher. I love her.

I miss her still. I wish we could be back together and I could go onliving my empty dream. But what a dream. It was a happy dream. I washappy. I was so happy. They say that happiness and sadfness are justa thin line apart. No shit. I'm finding out firssthad right now Iguess.

I'm soprry I'm rambling. But I want to get this out. Good night Juli.I miss you. I've been crying for almost 2 hours now. It's about time Igo to sleep.

Derek

PS: So why am I writing this to you? I never intended to. I justwanted to send this out to someone. And of all the people I know, youwere the closest to Juli and I, and you knew our relationship best.Come share my pain.  :)

PPS: Pardon the typing. It's hard to type when you can't see thescreen and you're just relying on touch typing. I was never a goodtouch typist anyway.